How Not To Blog ?

C'mon CNN. You're still lost in the 90s for some reason. Still licking your wounds from an ass-kicking by a stupid fox? Is there anybody there?

Do something about it! You need a make-over. Big time! Start by changing your logo. It screams out, "NINETIES! I AM PATHETIC!"

Educated dumbasses.

Michael Jackson arrives late to court in his pajamas! Here's the story, if you can call it that.

The bitch just gets crazier and crazier. I feel sorry for his kids. (Did he have them to molest them, too?)

I don't buy the whole "ooh.. shit! What time is it?" story. He probably tried to flee and then his handlers, who aren't afraid of their skin color, took his ass back to court. Then they threw some pajamas on him to make it look like he was sleeping. The proof: he's wearing his little MJ shoes!

He was about to pull an OJ.

Gee, Mr. HNTB, how can I be a better blogger?

Well, Sonny, you have to start by having a niche. (Unless you're a celebrity blogger where people just come to sniff your ass because they have no life of their own.) Whether your niche is Disney, Porn, and Kitsch, or boobies, sex, and bigotry, you're bound to find an audience to share your fetish. When it doubt, talk about sex or politics - two topics guaranteed to get your fair share.

But don't worry, Sonny. If you don't have anything to talk about you can still blog. Just take a look at these fine examples here and here.

What if I'm just smart and political? I play chess at school, you know.

There's always room for smart and political, my boy. People will love it. Even if you're just pretending to be doing something important.

How can I become popular so that people will like me?

Well for one, you must kiss the asses of other bloggers frequently. Then, they'll take notice and link back to you, driving other visitors to your site. Those visitors that will stay will stay because they agree with your opinions and outlook, more or less. A natural following will develop over time.

But if you've become popular, remember to spruce up your format every once in a while and keep your blog up with the times. Otherwise you're going to gradually seep into the abyss of insignificance.

Gee, thanks asshole!

You're welcome, Sonny Boy! Happy blogging.. And don't forget to slip in a few ads for your friends along the way to blogging paradise! Try the new xTreme Slurpee while you're at it.

"In deciding to start my own little company of one...", Kottke writes in his blog.

Apparently, he's decided to take the advice of this blog and introduce advertising into his blog. But he wants to introduce the idea slowly.. like it was actually you, his faithful readers, that thought of it! How original.

He then goes on a whirlwind tour of other entities like Craig Newmark (of Craigslist fame) and Flickr, and how they magically put ethics before profits. If you say you do, you probably don't. But I'm sure you feel bad about taking money. Now you have no job.

What he's really saying is, "Thanks for the money, suckers. Now I'm going to get even more money advertising."

Here's one of the best quotes:

Google is aiming high -- focusing on the long term, trying not to be evil, taking on risk, not giving too much control of the company over to shareholders...

That's pretty funny. Whose illusion would that be, anyway? Whoever buys that crap, I guess. Google belongs to the shareholders. It is now their company to control. Many shareholders work at Google, true. But employees get human and sell out. I'm sure in the long term Google will end up like Microsoft, in the hands of mom and pop. And they don't give a shit about the "not being evil" part. They want a good ROI for their retirement and for their grandkids.

There are lots more people other there doing wonderful things with their business lives (37signals, the independent Mac developers like Ranchero, Delicious Monster, and Panic, etc.) but that's enough for now.

I'm sure it makes him feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

"Until next time", ladies and gentlemen. "Wait until you see the wonderful advertisers I've lined up."

Sly prick...

The pathetic saga unfolds. I wonder what effect this will have on his street cred. As long as other bloggers continue to kiss his ass (such as bloggers do), they won't mind.

p.s. I'm sure he's going to upgrade to a new 42" plasma with your money.