How Not To Blog

The Vatican released a statement a few minutes ago claiming that the Pope's recent "heart attack" was just an elaborate April Fool's joke. He's actually relaxing at his Vatican quarters, watching the whole affair on television.

Really, my best wishes to the man. I'm not religious or anything (might you have guessed?) but I hope he dies peacefully.

Ack! The dinosaurs have taken over HNTB!

Want to beat the shit out of your woman one day but don't want to start too soon? She's a little too independant now. But soon she'll be completely under your control. That's because you'll learn how to physically and psychologically condition your property for total domination, from an expert!

Give orders effectively
Spank that ass!
Why raping your bitch is a good idea (It's not rape when you're having fun...)
...and more!

Two weeks after your first lesson, she'll be begging for more! Push her with a smile a few times at first. Then go back to grimacing, but push her consistently and reliably. Then she'll be coming to you like a dog wanting a piss! Men who can take control bring healing power to a woman's mind.

The man who takes control of a woman does just that. When it comes time to smack a woman's bottom he chooses the time, place, position, instrument, rhythm, duration, and the like. By doing so, he creates a contradiction in that, while very little he does at the moment pleases her, everything he does is for her. In the end, both he and she must understand that he is in control. The ritual is a contest of wills in which he wins, without doing her any permanent damage, and she respects him as a result.

It's all about love and kindness, you know.

For further brainwashing, give her a copy of The Surrendered Wife by some smiling white woman. Not only will she love it, it'll make your pathetic life a hell of a lot easier. Heck, you can even go fuck her juicy-looking sister now. She might even join you!

Stick that bitch in the international support network of controlled women. She'll learn:

1. Men should do the finances and women should be ignorant thereof, because only men know about money and how much we spend on hookers every month

2. Women should NEVER correct their husbands. Even if you're driving the wrong way down an interstate highway, The Surrendered Wife recommends your wife shut the fuck up and give you some head. (Guys... even that's worth the full price of the book, don't you think?)

3. Wives should say "Whatever you think" to whatever the husband says

And if you're just on the prowl for submissive, spineless and buxomed single automatons always keep a few copies of The Surrendered Single on hand. She'll be in your hands (and your cavernous pants) in no time. Order now!

Gee, Mr. HNTB, how can I be a better blogger?

Well, Sonny, you have to start by having a niche. (Unless you're a celebrity blogger where people just come to sniff your ass because they have no life of their own.) Whether your niche is Disney, Porn, and Kitsch, or boobies, sex, and bigotry, you're bound to find an audience to share your fetish. When it doubt, talk about sex or politics - two topics guaranteed to get your fair share.

But don't worry, Sonny. If you don't have anything to talk about you can still blog. Just take a look at these fine examples here and here.

What if I'm just smart and political? I play chess at school, you know.

There's always room for smart and political, my boy. People will love it. Even if you're just pretending to be doing something important.

How can I become popular so that people will like me?

Well for one, you must kiss the asses of other bloggers frequently. Then, they'll take notice and link back to you, driving other visitors to your site. Those visitors that will stay will stay because they agree with your opinions and outlook, more or less. A natural following will develop over time.

But if you've become popular, remember to spruce up your format every once in a while and keep your blog up with the times. Otherwise you're going to gradually seep into the abyss of insignificance.

Gee, thanks asshole!

You're welcome, Sonny Boy! Happy blogging.. And don't forget to slip in a few ads for your friends along the way to blogging paradise! Try the new xTreme Slurpee while you're at it.

If you haven't seen it already, check out the Paris Hilton Sidekick Simulator. A friend of mine, Albany Supereight, sent this to me. It's pretty damn funny.